Is the expression “good grief’ an oxymoron where two words with contradictory meanings are placed side-by-side–like John Lewis’ “good trouble”? That would be a resounding yes. “Good grief” was one of my mother’s favorite expressession other than “Oh murder”. I’m not sure where they began–from time to time there definitely had been grief through the years with the loss of several relatives, however, no murder as far as I knew.
Speaking of grief–this was the first Mother’s Day that I no longer have a physically living mother even though we lost her to dementia several years ago, however, in spirit, Mom is still present. As I sit writing this article, admittedly, I have yet to sit with this part of my grief for any length of time until now–so these healing words about grief are welcome.
I recall while we were still on our dairy farm, Mom made some tomato soup from our garden in a large crock that sat on our front porch. After placing lots of herbs and spices in a cheese cloth, the brew sat for weeks–wow–was it the vine ripened garden tomatoes or those special herbs–it was wonderful! To this day, tomato soup provides such a comfort to me as I have gratitude for the blessings of a healthy down-home upbringing.
And then there was Mom’s hot fudge recipe for which she was well-known. Many of our family members recently decided to do a Zoom gathering to make her Hot Fudge recipe together–what a hoot spending time together getting caught up and remembering Grandma. We have scheduled a memorial for Mom this October since there was mainly the graveside funeral–socially distancing with masks which will help all of our grief process evolve.
On a site called Soulsherding, Bill Gaultiere shares some insightful words on grief:
A surprising but unwanted path of emotional healing growth opens up for us every time we experience a loss. Like the Chinese symbol for “crisis,” it’s both a danger and an opportunity for good grief.
We all go through losses in life. Someone we love dies. Our special pet dies. Our adult child moves out of our house, or worse, we have an unresolved conflict that creates distance. We go through a divorce or there’s a divorce in our family. Our or a loved one’s health declines. A relationship with a friend ends. Life happens! However, how do we react?
Bad Grief vs Good Grief
Not wanting to feel sad or disappointed or vulnerable by sharing tears, fears and frustrations with a caring listener, many people try not to feel their grief by staying busy or focusing on the positive. Others use food, alcohol, work, or helping people to distract themselves from their pain. Some get depressed. Maybe they think it’s “feeling sorry for themselves” or “wallowing” or will cause them to “get stuck.”
Gaultiere shares the true comfort that we all need in times of loss comes through engaging in a good grief process. Good grief is to respond to a death or other loss by feeling sad, and feeling all your emotional reactions, and sharing these emotions with a safe and caring person, someone who helps us experience our Higher Power’s loving presence. We all need to learn to ask for and receive empathy in this way is essential to our personal well-being, capacity to love others, and energy to be effective.
“Emotional pain cannot kill you, but running from it can. Allow. Embrace. Let yourself feel. Let yourself heal.” ~Vironika Tugaleva.
The process of good grief is a model for all types of emotional healing, psychological development, and spiritual growth. Understanding this is essential for our personal well-being and our ability to care for others well.
It comes down to good self care and self love. An Insight Timer fits that bill nicely: “The Day You Were Born” by Renee Fesser:
“The day you were born was glorious, it is true. All Heaven smiled and cried tears of joy and tears of love. The day you were born, angels descended with you, they greeted you and kissed your brow and whispered into your ear words of love. The day that you were born your ancestors prayed and danced and sent their blessings. The day you were born is your earthly birthday–remind yourself this day and every day you are a gift of love–darling it is true–you are a miraculous, glorious gift from above.”
Thanks Mom for being my loving conduit to this life.
Colvid19 Humor: If you are refusing to wear a mask due to concern your brain will not get enough oxygen, I’m here to tell you that ship may have already sailed.
Warriors, let’s be gentle with ourselves along this crazy but glorious journey.