Recently I found myself in a very challenging situation when I attempted to help my friend of 50 years find a safer living situation in Tacoma, Washington.
Most people are familiar with both of these concepts–detaching (or detaching with love) is a main component of codependency recovery. If we frequently feel worried about a loved one, disappointed or upset by their choices, or like our emotions revolve around whether they’re doing well or not, then detaching could be helpful by taking responsibility for ourselves and we allow others to do the same. On the other hand, tough love is defined as love or affectionate concern expressed in a stern or unsentimental manner (as through discipline) especially to promote responsible behavior.
In my friend Joel’s situation, things evolved into a crazy situation for him due to his need for a safer environment and the current laws in Washington state. Allow me to fill you in further with Joel’s journey.
Having served as a nurse in Vietnam, Joel’s exposure to Agent Orange resulted in his diagnosis of Parkinson’s disease as well as diabetes several years ago. But before those conditions reared their ugly heads, he practiced as a nurse in the Denver VA Hospital and St Joe’s in Tacoma WA where he enjoyed neonatal and AIDS nursing..
While working my way through nursing school as a nursing assistant at that same Denver VA Hospital on the evening shift–Joel was often my RN in charge–I learned a lot through those shifts due his high patient-care standards.
As our friendship grew, Joel shared he was gay, and that since was raised in a very conservative, religious family, he felt the need to seek counseling to feel OK about himself. Once he came out to them, his family was challenged to accept him for who he truly was–a gay man. After over 20 years of nursing he opted to change careers to becoming a mortician–from embalming to makeup–gifting family members with a lovely lasting memory.
As his Parkinson progressed, his trembling hands made it difficult to continue working, so Joel fully retired and moved to Washington state to be near a sister and brother. However, due to their challenge to accept Joel for who he truly was–a gay man–those relationships continued to prove challenging even though at one point Joel shared with his sister very assertively, “I am who I am–God doesn’t make mistakes”.
I shared the concept of detachment with love regarding his toxic family relationships which he found VERY helpful and healing.
Through the years, Joel had been prescribed mental health and Parkinson medication. As time evolved, he had to move from his independent apartment into several different care facilities including a couple of hospitalizations. And once released to another group home facility–things seemed to spiral downhill further. Even though he was wheelchair bound and on several mental health and Parkinson medications, he felt he needed to gain his freedom from these group homes. At this point he was his own worst enemy when he would arrange an Uber ride to shop or go to a gathering place that he enjoyed–afterwards grabbing a ride “home” from many different strangers (thankfully good people). His last facility basically told him he had to find another facility.
After several conference calls between his sister, his financial advisor/friend, plus two of his care coordinators, I made the decision to fly out to help Joel–the goal being to get him admitted into a hospital until a locked care facility could be secured. Once I had boots on the ground Joel and I were able to accomplish a new ID, new mobile phone, lots of shopping, eating out and several laughs along the way.
The first time I took him to the St Joe’s ER, they could find no reason for him to be admitted and I was available to take him “home” or somewhere else even though he and I both explained he had no safe place to go, nevertheless, I took him back to his group home for two more days. I was told by his caseworker that what needed to happen this time was to basically just drop Joel off there at the St Joe’s ER and since he didn’t have a ride home this time, by law, the hospital would have to admit him and that’s what happened.
In all of my nursing career, I have not had to basically abandon someone to a hospital ER to get the necessary care for their safety. If I were asked if this was detachment with love or tough love–it seems like both needed to be part of this equation, but thankfully he is currently safe and now admitted to a neurology unit. I have SO much gratitude for things working out to this point and for my longtime friend, Joel.
Progress, not perfection, Warriors.
Covid Humor: If I get quarantined for weeks with my wife and I die. I can assure you it was not the virus that killed me.