For this week’s article I’m excited to introduce my friend and neighbor, Colleen Pulvermacher as my guest writer. She has a passion helping people navigate the grieving process after a loss and how to best offer support:
My background is in education with post graduate certification as a Grief Support Specialist from UW-Madison. I worked as a Community Grief Specialist for Agrace Hospice, and now, in retirement, offer support to the bereaved through my church and I enjoy educating others about the many aspects of grief. My best teachers are those who I have humbly walked alongside on their grief journey. They have taught me so much, and I will share their wisdom and insight as we explore the question, what should I say to someone who is grieving the death of a loved one? What should I keep in mind?
Begin by considering your fingerprint—the only one like it in the whole world. That’s how it is with the experience of grief, it’s completely individual, no two people share the exact same experience of grief. Some of the things suggested here will resonate with some readers, others will find their experiences to be completely different. That’s ok. With this understanding, let’s explore practical things you can say to a bereaved person.
- Validation of what has happened includes statements such as “I am so sorry” or “I can only imagine all you’ve been through” are helpful.
- Sharing a memory such as “I’ll always remember the lefse she made” “He had the best sense of humor!” “I think of her every time I make her special recipe.”
- Comment on pictures and displayed treasures “She was quite the crafter” “Such a lovely display of family pictures” “He loved his trains!”
- Reassure by saying “we’re here for you” or “I’ll check in with you next week” (and then follow through).
- Remembering the loved one’s special days – birthdays & the anniversary of their death means the world to the bereaved. Acknowledge these special dates by sending a card, text or by phone. The act of remembering their loved one helps the bereaved heal
- Most of all, just listen. There isn’t always a need to reply. The bereaved often need to tell their story over and over. This helps them make sense of the magnitude of the loss. There is also incredible power in silence, just holding the hand of the bereaved, nodding. Just be with them.
- Offer hands-on support for specific tasks, “Would you like help getting groceries?” “Could I help you with errands?” “Need help taking down the Christmas decorations?” “I’d be happy to pick up and do your laundry.”
There are additional considerations that can be helpful in supporting people through loss. Bereaved people have shared things that are well-intentioned but rarely helpful.
- Statements such as: “He lived a long life” “Her suffering is over” “You can marry again” tend to be minimizing to the bereaved.
- Well-meaning advice. Be careful in suggesting grief groups – they are not a fit for everyone.
- Don’t assume grievers want to be hugged. Particularly at a funeral, where emotions are fragile, a griever may not be able to place who you are, and a hug can feel intrusive.
- The bereaved will always grieve the loss of their loved one. There is no one year timeline, as many people assume. In fact, the second year can be harder because the social support has largely faded by that time.
- Continue to invite your bereaved friends to gatherings and events. Understand that grievers may pull away for a time. Please don’t insist they attend something they don’t feel ready for.
In closing, lead with love, ask gently, and give your bereaved friend grace and space as they journey through grief.
Covid Humor: Sometimes I wonder if all this is happening because I didn’t forward that message to 10 other people.